PROLOGUE
Let me start by saying that I’m a total
fart and a complete jerk. Yes, that’s true… I ain’t belittling myself but merely stating a
fact.
At last, I am giving vent to an urge
that has been deep inside me and at the outset, I would like to seek the
blessings of God Almighty who has been my Lord, Guide and Mentor, my Master and
most importantly my Teacher; who has been guiding me all these years and has
been motivating me and compelling me to express myself through these writings.
I must admit that I am an ordinary
simpleton who has nothing much to contribute to the ways of the world for I am
not worldly wise or world savvy as you may like to put it. Inspite of being
blessed by God and being favoured by him in all aspects of life I have
continually fucked up my life until God himself became disgusted with me.
I believe that the whole world is
illusory and therefore false but yet find it difficult to get out of the
desires of this world. Having realized this at a very early stage, I turned my
attention towards seeking Truth and understanding Truth. In my search for Truth
I have experienced great suffering and mental agony.
I have been labeled as a madman by this
materialistic world, which found my behaviour totally irrational and negative.
I have deliberately subjected my mind to great turmoil and have also forcibly
bent my mind using mind altering substances to look at the world differently
and have a different perception of reality, as we know it today. While it may appear to be fun, there has been
a lot of pain along the way....
Just to walk along the cliff's edge and
see the view may have been fun and certainly a learning experience for me but
it has caused a lot of heart ache; heart burn and heart break for my friends,
family as well as my very dear loved ones.
As a bachelor doing all the things I
did, I only made my parents sad and worried and gained a reputation as a crazy
nut, an addict and a good for nothing fellow.
As a lover, I have caused great pain to
those whom I was romantically attracted to for they simply could not understand
my motives and found me too weird for their liking; as a result, they all
ditched me to save themselves without realising I was more interested in their
welfare and well being than my own.
As a spouse, I caused much hardship for
my wife as I stubbornly insisted on walking the edge of the cliff while she
looked down and became scared fearing not only for herself but for my own self.
As a father, I really did not care for
my duties as a parent and was selfishly interested in my own pursuits. Now I
realise the price all of them have paid for my walking the edge of the cliff
and having fun.... It is amazing fun as well as tedious exercise.
I have frittered away an entire life
time in what I thought was right and now I am left here with body battered,
soul wounded, and life ebbing away. I have been accused by this world of being
a nut with a persecution complex, a drug addict, a drunkard, a two-timer, an
egoistic person and so on and so forth. Maybe they are all right and I’m
actually all these things rolled into one. Nobody could see anything good about
me and maybe they are right.
But as I sit here hurt and mortally
wounded, I begin to write this in the hope that the world may look at me the
way no one else did and understand me a little better and pray that the
people’s curses be removed, even if I’m not praised in my endeavour to tell you
the truth.
I have sought Truth in this world and
within me. l personally believe that a
seeker of Truth in this world can be compared to a warrior who fights
many losing battles and doesn't win any of them. Never the less, he does not
give up hope. A warrior, who, in spite of constant failures and defeats,
trudges on towards the path of Truth. All my life, I strove to be one such
warrior and destiny did not let me down for it provided me opportunities to
lose battle after battle.
The narrative that I’m about to embark
upon is something, which truly happened. However, I have tried to protect the
true identities of the characters herein and have therefore made them appear
differently.
I have finally decided, to tell the
world about myself and the inner torment that has been locked within; for all
these years. I am not a celebrity or an opinion leader whose life may be of interest
to the average reader. I am only an ordinary guy with an extraordinary tale to
tell.
I was born as the only child of working
parents and I grew up without the support system of a joint family thereby
being cursed to a life of loneliness from the time I was born. My mother went
back to her career after 3 months of my birth and remained committed to her
career until her retirement. I grew up in the care of an assortment of maids
and servants in a steady procession. "Maids may come and maids may go; but
my loneliness remained forever" could very well have been the anthem of my
childhood.
So read on about this fool who was only
a loser and let my experiences and losses make you wise...
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